As a general rule, writing a love letter or a hate letter to a former significant other or lover is a good idea. Actually sending that letter to them is a bad idea. I’ve written hundreds of these letters, but I’ve never sent a single one. Instead I shove them into my desk drawer, and then have a good laugh when I find them months later. I can’t even imagine how much of a psychopath I would seem like if someone actually read one of my letters intended for them.

Do you want to know what’s even worse than recieving one of these letters? Receiving a mixed CD where your former boyfriend has recorded himself singing a slightly rewritten version of “I Will Survive” and Bob Dylan’s “You Ain’t Going Nowhere.”  ”I Will Survive” was a strange choice, especially since I never tried to get back together with him after we broke up. I took “You Ain’t Going Nowhere” to be a commentary on how I was going to be a loser, and I would never amount to anything without him. It seems like quite a bit of thought went into this compilation.

I was cleaning out my room and found a box of college stuff. In this box was a CD case, and I got really excited thinking it was my missing Tom Waits Closing Time CD. Instead it was a mix with my name carved very angrily into it. I popped it into my MacBook, and found it was a mix an old boyfriend had made with all of our songs. I was enjoying the nostalgia until the last two songs of him singing came on, and I realized he had spent time recording these songs and a piano accompaniment.

To up the creepy factor, I have absolutely no idea how this CD got into my possession. I haven’t seen him in almost two years. If he had mailed it to me, I would have listened to it the moment I received it. That only leaves two options:

1.  He was at Sewanee one day unbeknowst to me and several other of our mutual friends. He found out where I lived and slipped it into my desk, hoping I would find it later.

2. He gave it to one of his friends and had them put it in my room.  His friend’s girlfriend lived in the same building as me, so that could be another plausible solution.

The whole thing was really strange to me. It also didn’t help that I found it right before I was going on a date, which freaked me out as some sort of sign that I shouldn’t go on this date. (PS- the date went alright, but there was no chemistry, so I won’t be seeing him again.) It has been almost two years and according to mutual friends, this guy still isn’t over me. He still texts me on occasion, but I never respond. Any communication with him would be misconstrued as I still have feelings for him, so its best for me to never respond, not even to tell him to leave me alone.

Writing out your feelings about someone or singing them to cliched songs (Gloria Gaynor, anyone?) is a thereaputic way to heal. However, when you send these to former flames, you are opening yourself up to ridicule, especially if you have to go to devious lengths to do so.

Fast forward three weeks later. I haven’t received my skirt in the mail or a message from her. So I send another message coldly demanding my skirt back. It wasn’t even because it was an expensive skirt, it was because it was one of my favorite pieces in my wardrobe. Unsurprisingly, she never sent my skirt back.

I think this is a testament to the type of person she is. If I had something of a former friend and they requested the item back, I would gladly mail it to them or drop it off at their house, regardless of how much I hated her or if I actually wanted to repair our friendship.  If I truly hated the girl, I would return her things so we would have no reason to ever contact each other again. If I wanted to try and fix things, I would have returned the skirt along with an apology and an acknowledgment of her anger/hurt, and said that I would call her in a month so we can talk.

I’ve noticed an alarming thing over the past few years. Unlike most people, I respect people’s boundaries and feelings. If I was invited to an event by someone else at a jilted lover’s house or fraternity, I would obviously decline out of respect for people’s feelings. Others seem to have no such qualms or sensibilities about things like that.  Other situations like this arise, and I often see others doing the wrong thing and they merely cause a spectacle or it leads to lots of drunken screaming or tears.

Obviously I don’t mean that we should avoid every event where former boyfriends or friends will be in attendance, just that we should have some decency and consideration. For some bizarre reason, some people like to invite former significant others to their wedding. Etiquette dictates you must decline; however, some people still show up to their ex’s wedding and cause tension and possibly cause problems.

It’s quite interesting how writing out feelings can take you on a journey. I started out to complain about Caroline, and show how to carry yourself with dignity in the midst of breakups or betrayls. Somehow it ended up on a rant about instead of sparing others’ feelings, instead some choose to spar with other’s feelings, almost in a strange mind game to hurt them even more than they already have.

Confession – I like TV better than movies, because TV allows for better character development and growth throughout the series. I don’t get excited about too many movies, and I don’t often go to the movie theater, mainly because I hate watching a movie with 50 other people. That being said, I went to see Diablo Cody’s new movie Young Adult in theaters on opening weekend (it was a Sunday matinee, but it still counts!).

My brother and I loved the movie, and naturally our mother hated it. Strangely enough, I can relate to Charlize Theron’s character Mavis a lot, even though I hope someone would name their child Mavis. Cody’s use of a female anti-heroine (an unlikeable main character) was a bold choice, but it was a bold choice that worked. However, one of the most fascinating aspects of the movie was that it challenged the idea that “the cool kids peak in high school.”

This is a nationwide nerd mantra, and is a small town idea that those who were popular in high school will do nothing with their lives, while those who were unpopular and especially those who were bullied will leave their town and become wildly successful, much to the chagrin of their hometown peers. This idea was not seen in Young Adult.

Mavis was “the most popular girl in high school.” She dated the star of the football team and was homecoming queen. Based on the “peaked in high school theory,” Mavis should be stuck in Mercury, Minnesota and be fat and married with three kids and miserable. However, she is one of the most successful people to come out of Mercury, as a ghost writer for a popular young adult book series. She has what can be romanticized as the glamorous single girl life in Minneapolis.

Matt the “nerdy guy” who was a victim of a hate crime in high school did not become dashingly handsome and successful. He did not escape Mercury and he is still a nerd. He walks with a cane from this hate crime and works as an accountant/assistant manager at an Irish sports bar. Poor Matt, his life never took off.

Diablo Cody turns this theory of “peaking in high school” on its head. Arguably, the only character in the movie who peaked in high school was Mavis’s old flame Buddy, the former it guy of high school. He settled down in Mercury with a wife and a kid and works a low-level white collar job at the General Mills Factory. Despite his “peaking,” he is happy, while Mavis and Matt are both at the opposite ends of the peaking spectrum are obviously unhappy.

What does this say about us and our own happiness levels and former high school popularity? I’m a firm believer that we weave our own destiny. Mavis got out of town and got the ghost writing gig because she made it happen for herself. Despite having every reason to leave Mercury, for some reason Matt stayed in town and lives his miserable existence. Maybe if the jocks, cheerleaders, and homecoming queens have enough gumption, they won’t peak in high school and will continue to have success and popularity. Maybe the losers will become permanent losers because they don’t improve their situation.

Young Adult made me reflect about my own high school experience and subsequent life. Despite all the deep thoughts about high school and happiness, one of my favorite things about the movie was the usage of KenTacoHut – a combination KFC/Taco Bell/Pizza Hut, which just so happens to be my all time favorite fast food restaurant.

I have a list that is a mile long of people I would love to get revenge on, Emily Thorne style. The list includes the usual suspects, like Caroline, JB, Mark, and several other friends and lovers who have betrayed me over the years.

Surprisingly enough, that list also includes my father. He is a horrible man and a horrible father. He made my childhood and my brother’s childhood a living hell. Once, when I was 16, I put a hex on him, mainly that all his negative energy would come back and bite him in the ass. Karma helped me take him down. That man has had plenty of mishaps, but nothing will ever make up for the hell we’ve been through.

My mother can’t understand why I can’t forgive and forget. She has a very simplistic view of morality. She doesn’t understand that some things have psychological ramifications that can carry on for years.

I was poised for revenge. However, I was reading Martha Beck’s book Leaving the Saints, and I stumbled upon a thought provoking quote. “Forgiveness is giving up the possibility of a better past.” I had a major epiphany from this quote. This is what the concept of forgiveness means to me. Finally, I realized that just need to give up all hope that my childhood would have been a happy one, with loving parents. I need to give up on the hope that my father will ever realize what a horrible person he is and get some therapy or medication to be a better person. I still hate him, but I realize now that nothing is ever going to change. I have accepted the past, which has allowed me to move on.

Before this, I could never grasp the antiquated Christian idea of forgiveness. As Emily Thorne says, “Sometimes, the betrayal runs too deep.” However, unlike Emily, I can move on because I have realized that nothing I could ever do will change the past, and nothing they can do will ever compensate for their evil. Destroying your enemies can be worthwhile, but it will never fill the void inside yourself from all the pain they have caused you.

I have learned to let go. By starting to get over the biggest hurdle in my life, I have been able to let a lot of the small things go. I embarked on a journey of revenge, but I found myself on the road to transcendence. Just like with Dante’s Divine Comedy, sometimes you have to travel through hell to find paradise. 

Lately, everyone has been writing their bucket lists and posting them to their blogs. It seems to be a form of accountability. Normally, if you don’t accomplish your bucket list, who is going to know? However, if you post it online, your readers and friends may notice that you have barely accomplished anything on your life long bucket list.

For the longest time, I didn’t think I needed a bucket list. To be only 22, I’ve been blessed to do so much and to travel. I’ve been to 11 countries, 23 states, lived in Montana for a summer, interned for a fashion magazine, did an outreach trip in New Orleans, etc. Once I compiled a bucket list, I realized I was lacking the most in crafty adventures. I’m not artistic at all. When I was younger I avoided arts and crafts because I knew how ugly and misshapen mine would look compared to others’ projects.

I’m sure that I will constantly add to this list over the years, but without further ado, here is my bucket list (so far).

1. Visit Austraila

2. Go parasailing

3. Take a pottery class

4. Learn to use a sewing machine

5. Go to Canada (Hopefully Montreal, Toronto, Vancouver, or Nova Scotia)

6. Write a novel

7. Read one literary classic  per year

8. Take some form of painting class, either a real class or a fun Sips and Strokes wine night with friends.

Wish me luck on my endeavors! Also on my immediate horizons – get a job, experiment with brow wax instead of an eyebrow pencil, kiss a boy, finish Atonement, volunteer (possibly tutoring kids), thrift something amazing, and refurbish this table I found in my garage.

What’s on your ineffable bucket list?

Top:  Gift from a boutique. Jeggings:  GAP, Flats: Lloeffler Randall. Cat’s Eye Sunglasses:  Target.

While this outfit is in no way innovative, it was a cute and functional outfit that transitioned from shopping to a walk in the park, to dinner, and to bowling. I met up with my dear friend Kari that I hadn’t seen in quite some time, and had a wonderful evening. We went to TJ Maxx to look at a chair Kari wanted, and while perusing the home section, I was officially bitten by the “home decor bug.” I’m getting excited just thinking about all the ways I can decorate my first home/apartment, and have a few DIY projects up my sleeve.

BFF and future roommate looking casual chic, as usual.

My favorites: Milton, my bag, and Arizona tea.

This post title is a derivative from Lord Rochester’s poem “A Ramble in St. James Park.” He was a very naughty Restoration poet, definitely now what you would expect from a 17th century poet. His word usage and subject matter could make most people blush. These random panties found on the dock along with all the beer cans we found throughout the trail fit in quite well with this poem. I dare you to read it….

The Odille Languid Days skirt, originally $68.

The skirt is weirdly poofy. It makes my hips look big. I’ve tried styling high waisted with a plain black tee shirt tucked in, but it looked like my hips were the size of Nantucket. I’ve tried styling it with a button up and a belt, which was a bit better. I’ve tried styling it with a pink silk top and a belt, but I don’t know if it looked like an awesome or awkward experience in color blocking. I even turned to the Internet for style options, with no avail. This is the only photo of this skirt being styled that I found.

This is a lovely outfit, and that wrap belt helps the skirt to lay flat and decrease its poofiness. However, I don’t own a perfect camel blazer or a wrap belt, and until I get a job (knock on wood) I’m not buying any new clothing unless they are thrifted or a remarkable deal I can’t pass up. Like 90% off at GAP or a $15 Catherine Malandrino dress deal. 

Maybe I can thrift the items needed to recreate this look, but with my string of not good Goodwill days lately, it is doubtful. 

Anyone have any other ideas for how to style this pretty little skirt that is just too poofy for its own good? 

PS:  I’m having a major room clean out, so check out my Ebay page if you want to shop my closet. If you buy/win something message me and tell me you’re a blog reader for 10% off total purchase.  

Top:  Gap. Skirt:  Free People. Necklace:  Montana Goodwill. Bracelet:  Gift from Grandmother. Sandals:  Target.

Most little girls aspire to be ballerinas. They beg and plead for their mothers to enroll them in ballet class. However, after a few dance classes most little girls realize that they don’t want to be ballerinas and all of the hard work thats involved in making dance look effortless. With the popularity of the show Dance Moms on Lifetime and the resurgence of ballet inspired clothes in popularity every few years, it is evident that we still keep these secreted dance fantasies in our heads.

I’ve always loved ballet inspired clothing. Ballet flats have been my shoe of choice since I was 15. Ruffly skirts with tulle and netting that resemble tutus make me swoon. I’m envious of girls who can do the perfect messy bun, as my hair is too layered and tempermental to stay in that style for more that 20 minutes.

This ballet dream inspires my latest outfit. A good portion of this outfit was purchased in Montana, everything except for the Free People skirt. While the shopping in Missoula, Montana, is not the greatest it is tax free, which for a Tennessee resident, is like an automatic 10% discount! Also, most Montanans aren’t style savvy, so its easy to snap up really cute things on uber clearance and tax free.

Break ups with significant others suck, but break ups with friends suck just as much. They happen much more infrequently, but losing a friend hurts just as much as losing a boyfriend/girlfriend. I just broke up with a good friend of four years, lets call her Caroline. Our friendship has been on a downward cycle for at least the past six months, and I can’t stand it anymore.

Caroline and I are a lot alike in several aspects. While we are both girly with our love for thrift store shopping and OPI nail polishes, we don’t fall into traditional girl stereotypes. When it comes to boys, we both don’t take any shit from them. There is a strict two strikes and you’re out rule. Caroline and I also scoff the importance placed on various “rites of passage” like proms, graduations, etc.  Both of us have difficulty talking about our problems to each other and expressing weaknesses. We keep secrets from each other, everything from the mundane to the major. 

In May, Caroline began ignoring me randomly for no reason. She rarely responded to my texts, and if we made plans she would blow me off. During grad week, things got weird. I got angry with her and decided to put in the same level of effort she had put into our friendship over the past few months. I stopped talking to her. She never even tried to initiate conversation the entire time I was in Montana.  I drunkenly texted her one night in Montana, and I thought everything was going to be alright, because we were kind of talking again. 

We started making plans for my 22nd birthday. For me, birthdays always end up horribly, so I had high hopes that this one would be great. Caroline knows all about my string of bad birthdays from age 13 on, so I was counting on her to help me make this into a crazy evening. There was a semi flexible plan in the works, and I was extremely excited to hang out with my friends from college and others I hadn’t seen in a while. And then on August 26, everything was ruined because of her. 

A major question I keep asking myself is:  Would I tolerate the same bad behavior if a guy did the same thing? If my boyfriend constantly didn’t answer calls and texts (without justification), I would reevaluate the relationship. If my boyfriend degraded me in front of other friends/acquaintances, I would fight fire with fire, and then dump him. If my boyfriend ruined my birthday (by failing to acknowledge it at all), I would slash his tires and dump him. So why do I put up with this same behavior from Caroline?

Then I realized that our friendship was broken beyond repair. I had given her way to many chances over senior year of college. I was sick of being her sidekick. The most logical thing to do was to friend break up with her. Sadly, I doubt she will care or even notice that I’m no longer in her life. Maybe she already ended our friendship a long time ago, and its taken me this long to get the hint.
 I deleted her from my phone, and sent a curt Facebook message demanding my skirt back via the mailman. There was no big argument or big blow out. I just decided to stop talking to her. 

I’m a fiercely loyal friend, so it hurts to have to end a friendship. I don’t have very many close friends, because I’m difficult to get to know. However, once I let someone in, then it is hard for me to let go of them. I’m not claiming to be the perfect friend, and I’m sure I probably did  things that upset her just as much as she upset me. 

Regardless, all good things must come to an end. Maybe we were only meant to be friends through college, and now that college is over, so is our friendship. At least I got my BCBG bandage skirt back!

My little house on Benton Ave, filled with lots of good memories and drunken nights. I’ll miss it, even though the walls were paper thin and the dishwasher sucked. 

Despite failing to complete a summer bucket list, overall I have had a good summer. Regardless, I’m still ecstatic to leave Montana and come home. I don’t really fit in in Missoula because I’m different than most of these people. They are very open about  everything – from their money issues, to being homeless, to being in jail, to significant other drama, which they will tell you the first time they meet you. It’s a turn off when boys were hitting on me, then mentioned they had been in jail for 6 days because of a DUI. I’m much more reserved and keep lots of secrets. 

The view from my front yard. That’s the Bitterroot mountain range, which is part of the Rockies.

Another issue is clothing. No one ever dresses up, even for going out or for dinner in a nice restaurant. Some people wear their shlubby river clothes to the bar or hiking shorts and Chaco’s to the super nice tapas bar “The Silk Road.” I got a lot of weird stares for my outfits. One of the girls I worked with complimented my outfit, and then said, “We’ve never had a stylish intern before…”  Lazy roommate even complained about how sick she was of, “looking cute to go out.” There is a rationale behind that. When you look nice, you feel better about yourself and exude confidence. That makes other people want to talk to you/buy you drinks, which leads to a fun night. Most people here just don’t get it.

On the banks of the Clark Fork River, with Mount Sentinel in the background, which is the most hiked trail in the country.

Missoula is a great down if you are a student or raising a family, but it’s not really a good place if you are a 20 something career girl. There aren’t a lot of jobs, and most people are in different phases of their lives and busy with school or with their kids. There’s not a distinctive young professional scene here, like there is in Nashville, Chicago, or New York. It’s also ridiculously hard to make friends here, even more so when I don’t have much in common with a lot of the girls here. They prefer to spend the day on the river, I prefer thrifting and shopping all day. I like going to the river, but its only fun for me because I go there so sporadically. I can’t wait to go back to Nashville and get a job and hang out with my friends and lead a semi Sex and the City life. 

Deer in my backyard!

Spending a summer in Missoula was a great experience for me. I escaped the heat wave the encased the South for months, I got to experience the West, and get out of my comfort zone. I worked with some great people at my internship and learned a lot about marketing, nonprofits, CDFI’s, and Montana in general. I’m going to miss everyone I work with. On my last day of work, they surprised me with an Anthropologie gift card that I can’t wait to spend once I’m home!

The Big Sky State.

The college chapter of my life is over, and now the chapter of the first “post grad summer” is over. I’m ready to have my life in limbo for about 6 weeks or so frantically applying for jobs until I finally get something, and can move into my own apartment with friends to start the “20-something” chapter of my life.