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Intimacy Issues

May 23, 2011

 

My comp car with a joke about my hookup with John last October. It’s a How I Met Your Mother reference which basically means sometimes people will pretend they want to hook up with you, and just pass out. Thus making you a sexless innkeeper, because you wanted to hook up, and they just used you for a place to crash. 

Over grad week the dead sexy John was back in town for his sister’s graduation. (If you don’t remember this guy, click HERE for the whole story). Of course we had a lovely rendezvous. Of course my intimacy issues had to arise, and make it awkward. I told him not to brush my hair out of my face. Like any normal person, he asked why. Then I said that it was too intimate, and you should only do that to people you like.

I can’t decide if I like him or not. He’s kind of weird, and while his job working with special education kids is admirable, it seems like he lacks ambition. I know he dropped out of grad school, and he doesn’t seem to have anything else planned for his life besides working at the school and kayaking. He’s a hippie and into the outdoors. I prefer clothes to kayaking. He dresses bad. He wore a multicolored striped shirt with red seersucker pants. I told him to never wear that outfit again because it didn’t match. John said it was one of his favorite outfits and they were both striped, and the red in his pants matched the red in his shirt. Also, sometimes he wears bowties, which are always a fashion DON’T.

I want it to work out, but I have no idea if it will. I want him to come visit me in Montana this summer. I love how every time he stays over, he keeps his arms wrapped around me the whole night. I love kissing the eagle tattoo on his back. I like how we walked back to my place in the rain, and he kept stopping to kiss me. I like him a lot, but once again my intimacy issues are arising, which is why I make lists of superficial cons.

I used to date a boy who reminds me a lot of John. Now he hates me, and he thinks I’m a horrible person. We’ve both grown up and changed a lot over the past 5 years. This is why I’m so hesitant to like John, because he’s so much like Aaron. I’m selfish and materialistic, and he’s selfless.

I wrote John a letter with everything you can’t really say via text message. I’m debating whether or not to send it to him. I’ll probably never see him again, but maybe this could change things. If not, then I’ll never see him again, and I won’t be embarrassed that he thinks I’m crazy. I want to see him before I leave for Montana in 2 weeks. In my head, there is this strange fantasy that he’ll invite me to North Carolina this weekend, and I’ll get to see him. Wishful thinking, I know.

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